It’s 11:03pm and I haven’t been sleeping well for days. I really miss my grandmother who has now graduated to Heaven. I never realized the how much she meant to my life.
Grieving can be a very lonely journey. Part of me doesn’t want to burden anyone else with my pain, part of me understands that the world rushes the grieving process, and part of me is in denial that this is my new reality.
I’m so tired, exhausted even. At night when I get settled, and when I’m alone, I remember her. Then I remember that she’s no longer here. Then I remember that I can’t just go and call her, or visit her, or even hug her. Just to be in her presence again alive and well would make my heart melt.
Grieving is not new to me but this extent is. It’s because she was closer than most, and I looked up to her in so many ways. It’s not just a bump in the road, it’s a complete halt.
A wise man once told me to use my grief to power my drive. Use my pain as fuel. Write. Live. Draw. Travel. Eat. Love. Learn. Listen. Grow. I never thought of my grief in that way. He said, “instead of sitting in your pain and letting it overtake you and grow, you should allow it to fuel you. You could have had a 200 page paper on your grandma and the pain you’re experiencing and your healing process, and by the end of it, you’ll feel better, and you would’ve even helped someone else through their similar journey.” This perspective revealed another dimension to me. I’m so used to just allowing my pain to swallow me whole. Part of me wants to hold onto my pain because if I let go of it, it’s like I’m letting go of her. And I’m just not ready for that. But I shouldn’t have to. This is my journey, and it’s my time. I’m not going to rush it, but I am going to give my testimony about it. I know I’m not the only one going through losing a loved one. Losing a loved one could be the loss of a relationship, death, or simply growing apart. I know that the pain can feel deep. It’s been months and I’m still losing sleep. Here it is the middle of the week, I have to work in the morning, it’s past my bedtime, and I can’t stop the tears from rolling.
So what do we do when the pain doesn’t subside? We release. God has been pushing me to release; and the more and more I don’t, the more and more the pain and anxiety grows. But that’s not who we should be anymore. No longer should we choose to slip deeper into old habits of pain familiarity, depression, and anxiety. It no longer serves us. We should put on our armor of spiritual warfare. We must learn how to fight the demons that plague us off. We shouldn’t go back to the little child who used to just sit in fear for days and allow it to beat us up. Through prayer and supplication, no matter how hard our battles are, God will use them and see you through. No weapon formed against us will prosper. Repeat that until it becomes real to your mind and your heart. I feel that so deeply in my spirit. I feel better already. Somehow some way, the tears have stopped, and I feel strengthened. I feel stronger even though internally I’m still fragile. This is a spiritual warfare. This is my pain. This is my testimony. This is my release.
Writing is one of my biggest passions and when God says to “release”, He is talking about releasing from your heart’s cry. What does your heart call you to do? What gives you a great release? Is it singing, dancing, art, photography, reading, blogging, vlogging, cooking? Whatever it is, release it. Right now. Don’t worry about what time it is or what restrictions you have, just…. Release.
I pray that whoever is reading this will feel strengthened and uplifted. I pray that God meets you in your lowly hour. God is close to the broken-hearted and He hears your cries. Be strengthened and encouraged. God is love. Now that I’ve released, I’m finally relaxed enough to sleep. I’ll talk to you in the next post, Friend.