It’s 11:03pm and I haven’t been sleeping well for days. I really miss my grandmother. I never realized the extent of what she meant to me in my life.
Grieving can be a very lonely journey. Part of me doesn’t want to burden anyone else with my pain, part of me understands that the world rushes the grieving process, part of me doesn’t even feel like this is my reality.
I’m so so tired, exhausted even. At night when I get settled and when I’m alone, I remember her. Then I remember that she’s no longer here. Then I remember that I can’t just go and call her, or visit her, or even hug her. Just to be in her presence again alive and well would make my heart melt.
Grieving is not new to me but this extent is. It’s personal. It hits home. It’s…. Real. It’s not just a bump in the road, it’s a complete halt.
A wise man once told me to use my grief to power my drive. Use my pain as fuel. Write. Live. Draw. Travel. Eat. Love. Learn. Listen. Grow. I never thought of out that way. He said, “instead of sitting in your pain and letting it overtake you and grow, you should allow it to fuel you.” He said, “you could have had a 200 page paper on your grandma and the pain you’re experiencing and your healing process, and by the end of it, you’ll feel better, and youyou would’ve even helped someone else through their similar journey.”
This is another dimension for me. I’m so used to just allowing my pain to swallow me up. Part of me wants to hold onto my pain because if I let go of it, it’s like I’m letting go of her. And I’m just not ready for that. But I shouldn’t have to. This is my journey, and it’s my time. I’m not going to rush it, but I am going to give my testimony about it. Because I know I’m not the only one. I’m not the only one dealing with losing a loved one. I know that the pain is deep. It’s been months and I’m still losing sleep. Here it is the middle of the week, I have to work in the morning, it’s past my bedtime and I can’t stop the tears from rolling. I get it.
So what do we do when the pain doesn’t subside? We release. God has been pushing me to release; and the more and more I don’t, the more and more the pain and anxiety grows. But that’s not who I want to be anymore. No longer do I want to slip into my old habits of familiarity of pain, depression, and anxiety. It no longer serves me. I now have spiritual warfare armor. I now know how to fight those demons off. I’m not going back to the little girl who used to just sit in fear with days upon days and allow it to beat me up. Through prayer and supplication, no matter how hard your battles are, God will see you through. No weapon formed against you will prosper. I feel that so deeply in my spirit. I feel better already. Somehow some way, the tears have stopped, and I feel strengthened. I feel stronger even though internally I’m still fragile. This is a spiritual warfare. This is my pain. This is my testimony. This is my release.
Writing is one of my biggest passions and when God says to release He is talking about releasing from your heart’s cry. What does your heart love to do? What gives you a great release? Is it singing, dancing, art, photography, reading, blogging, vlogging, cooking? Whatever it is, release it. Right now. Don’t worry about what time it is or what restrictions you have, just…. Release.
I pray that whoever is reading this will feel strengthened and uplifted. I pray that God meets you in your lowly hour. God is close to the broken-hearted and He hears your cries. Be strengthened and encouraged. God is love. Goodnight (now that I’ve released, I’m finally relaxed enough to sleep.)