I was just in a car accident and all I could think of right after I finished spinning out of control was, “oh my God my car! That freaking idiot!!! I don’t have time for this! I was almost at work. Maybe I could have avoided this if I just…” I’m disappointed in myself for even thinking of anything other than thank God I’m okay.
After dealing with the police and the oh so fun process of filing a police report, I finally get dropped off to work and my manager insists that I take the day because I was shaken up. I insisted that I was fine and there was nothing I could do about my situation at home…the damage was already done and I could get through the day (in the back of my mind I was thinking I may need that time off for a future date so I didn’t want to use it when I felt just fine). I finally took her word for it and my best friend’s mom came to pick me up. I’m laying in bed replaying the whole situation and the headache it has already put me through, and I feel so defeated. I’m not much of a materialistic person but anyone who knows me knows that I love my Jeep. Lately I’ve been working on getting it paid off and just keeping it. I’ve become so consumed with my finances and improving my current living arrangements that it has literally put me in a zone. I began to realize that I had made an idol and put my situation before God. I have been prioritizing my financial situation and have been putting God on the back burner. No longer was I asking for God’s help, but I was taking matters into my own hands and planning how my life was to be. Sometimes we lose track of what’s really important and fret over things that are ultimately meaningless. In the grand scheme of things I should be simply grateful for my life! Period! It could have been so much worse but thank God that he has a plan for me. I don’t know what that plan is but obviously he is keeping me alive to get to it. It’s imperative that we all learn to listen better and stay in his covering so that he is the pilot of our plane. We shouldn’t even want to be in the cockpit, we should just want to surrender all control to him. As long as we are all here on earth we have a mission to accomplish. Deep down I still feel defeated….. It’s not because of my car possibly about to be totaled out (although I’m really still pissed about that), it’s moreso because I feel like this situation was all my fault. The car accident was not my fault, but the situation is. I feel like God is teaching me a lesson and this is a repercussion of not being obedient. I’ll admit that put things and people before God and don’t prioritize him like I should. I try to take control of situations thinking that I know just how to fix it when I need to release control and let God fix it. I live the way I want to and not the way he has called me to. I’m ultimately lukewarm in my walk with him. I go to church faithfully and try to stay grounded in the word throughout the day, but I don’t know about you but it is so hard when you are in the world and you are surrounded with temptations and norms. It just seems more “fun” to talk this way or do this instead of that and then, BOOM!!… I’m comfortable and consumed with the world instead of God. Today, I’m taking the day to reflect, meditate, and consult with God. I already feel mentally drained. The Devil is real and he knows just how to distract me and keep a gap between me and God. Please keep me lifted up in prayer.
Psalms 119:113-128